


Love me like you mean it

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Possession, Alternate Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Episode Tag, F/M, Guilt, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Insomnia, Jace Wayland Deserves Nice Things, Jace Wayland is a Herondale, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Post-Episode: s03e08 A Walk Into Darkness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Supportive Clary Fray, Survivor Guilt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Clary was keenly aware that the Jace who they had saved from the Owls clutches was not the same Jace she fell in love with. Which wasn't to say that she didn't love him with all her heart and soul. He was just… not the same. Almost an entirely different person.But Clary was going to do everything she could to fix it.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	Love me like you mean it

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still no caught up yet but I... this episode... it breaks me every fucking time I see it. How the hell does Dom, a man who isn't exactly a pushover and plays a nearly unbreakable character, manage to look so small??? I don't?? Understand it??? But yeah, I love it so much, and like, Jace almost killed Alec and had to kill his girlfriend every night???? I think that would be a reason to give someone bad nightmares and stuff??? I don't know, but I've been working on this for a while, and I just really can't look at it any more, so I hope you like it because I enjoy how it turned out xx

Clary was keenly aware that the Jace who they had saved from the Owl's clutches was not the same Jace she fell in love with. Which wasn't to say that she didn't love him with all her heart and soul. He was just… not the same. Almost an entirely different person. 

The Jace that she had fallen in love with brazen and sure of himself and brave. Jace would always be brave, maybe in different ways but always brave, and now he thought long and hard about every action he took long before he took it, and he just looked so small and quiet, like he was waiting for other people to make his decision for him. 

She wished she knew what the Owl had done to him. Wished she had been there to pull him out of the prison in his mind that had been described as 'nightmarish', but that was for Izzy and Alec to do with Magnus standing close by, but in the end, _she_ took him again that _bitch_ and it nearly cost both Jace and Alec their lives. 

But Clary didn't even know the worst of it. She was busy unwillingly playing 'happy families' with Jonathan to notice Jace's pain, but now that she was back and everything was more or less normal, she noticed it now. Noticed how her Jace wasn't really _Jace_. 

Alec had explained it to her when she came back, watching Jace as he strolled through the centre of the Institute. "It was really bad for a while there, Clary," he said while affixing an arrowhead to the shaft. "I'm glad your back to help him deal with it, but… it's still not great. Not even close."

That had put a cold bead of fear in her chest, and all she could do was look at Jace and watch him for any sign of something different, something she had _missed_.

It became immediately obvious that she has been gone for too long, and that Jace wasn't doing as well as he said he was.

If she watched closely, Clary could tell that Jace's smile was just a little too fake and didn't quite reach his eyes. There were dark circles under his eyes, and the skin around them was red and puffy. Sometimes, when he looked at her, there was a split second where something dark and broken flashed across his face before it was gone again. His skin was too pale. He didn't talk as much during team meetings as he usually did. When he thought no one was looking, he would close his eyes and rest his head against the wall. When he was alone with nobody but Clary, he would seem smaller, hunched over, in too-big clothes and pyjamas that he normally wouldn't wear.

It scared her in all honesty that she could be so blind to see that the person she loved most in the world was hurting and that while there was probably something she could do to fix it, she was too wrapped up in her own problems to help.

But she was back now, hopefully for good, and she was planning on going everything in her power to fix what she broke.

It was late, and they were lying in bed, side by side. Jace was pretending to be sleeping, and Clary let him pretend. She knew that he wasn't sleeping, so she was happy to let him think that he had fooled her. 

It was dark, and Clary could hardly see Jace's face inches from her own, but that’s how she preferred it. If he were to open his eyes, he would see her still awake, watching him, and that was doubtful to end well. He was peaceful when he slept, even if he were only pretending because he got to close his eyes and rest for just a few moments, a few moments of blessed peace and quiet, a few moments of wallowing in his isolation. The isolation that he had pressed upon himself. The isolation he felt like he deserved.

Clary had spent many nights like this before their world was turned upside down, staring at Jace while he slept, memorizing every line and every curve of his beautiful face. The familiar scars that dotted his skin, the faint freckles sprayed over his nose, the fluttering of his long eyelashes as he slept, the shadows the night cast on the planes of his face. Clary knew him so well that she could draw him with her eyes closed and come out of it with a perfect rendition of his sleeping face, even if the nose never would be straight enough.

Since coming back, the peacefulness of sleep had been consumed by the underlying darkness of pain- whether it be physical, mental or emotional, Clary was never sure, but that pain that she recognised too well marred Jace’s features into a shadow of what he was, the light that he was.

A low groan wrenched itself from Jace’s throat and his eyes pinched together to create that frown that she loved so much, and on any other day she would reach out and rub away the furrowed lines between his multi-coloured eyes with the tip of her finger until Jace would smile and grab her wrist and pull her close and-

But this was a different day, and whether he was faking sleep or not, Jace was locked in a nightmare.

Slowly so not to disturb the silence of the night, Clary reached out and stroked a hand gently down Jace’s cheek at the same time he gasped and his eyes snapped open. His wide, searching eyes met hers in the dark, and immediately, she felt his body relax against hers where they were connected under the blanket. “Hey there, sleepyhead,” she whispered, and he smiled, but even in the dark, she could tell that it wasn’t real.

“Hey,” he said back. His voice was light and airy, not rough and thick like it would normally be if he had just woken up, but Clary knew better than to comment on it. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I was already awake,” Clary said, sitting up just far enough to push her hair out of the way and behind her so it was no longer itchy and uncomfortable under her cheek before lying back down with one hand folded under her face. “You looked like you were having a bad dream. Do you want to talk about it?”

Jace flashed her one of his charming smiles, and she almost would have believed it if she couldn’t see through the cracks. “Nah, you know me. I fight literal demons as my job. A little bad dream isn’t going to bother me at all.”

“True,” Clary continued stroking her hand down Jace’s face and his eyes fluttered shut, if only slightly. “But I know how much a bad dream can knock you off your feet. Especially the ones us Shadowhunters tend to have.”

“Are you talking about Simon? Because for your information, I am certainly not Simon,” Jace’s brow furrowed comically and Clary laughed. “Simon screams when he gets nightmares. Like a little girl afraid of a spider.”

“He does not,” Clary protested, slapping Jace lightly on the chest. He caught it, and without breaking eye contact, brought it to his lips, and kissed at her fingers.”Be nice. You’re making fun of him when he isn’t even here to defend himself.”

“But that’s part of the fun though, isn’t it?” Jace smile would be wicked to anyone who didn’t know him, but Clary did know him, and she saw the glint in his eye and was assured that he was only joking. “Later on you’ll tell him, then he’ll come to me and try to defend his honour, and then I’ll knock him on his ass on the training room floor. Fun for everyone involved.”

Rolling her eyes, Clary thought of a million things that she could say in defence of Simon but thought it would be best not to say any of them. “How about we stop talking about Simon? We’re in bed together- the last thing I want to think about is my best friend who’s probably in bed with your sister and my parabatai. It’s gross.”

Jace laughed lightly. “Just be lucky that you can’t feel-”

“Alright, thank you, that’s enough,” Clary closed her eyes as her face screwed up involuntarily. Jace chuckled and ducked forward to place a kiss on her neck, and Clary thought that this was as good a time as any to at least try and mend the rift she had made. “Jace?”

“Hmm?” he hummed in acknowledgment, nose buried into the crook of her neck. She could feel his smile against her skin, the most genuine it had been in a while, and she hated to break it.

The words tasted like ash as they left her mouth. “I need you to tell me what happened while you were under Lillith’s command,” maybe she started off a little strong, because she felt Jace immediately stiffen against her, and she backtracked quickly, “I mean, you don’t have to tell me what she made you do, that’s not what I’m asking. I just… what did you see? Alec and Isabelle said that they had to free you from a… from a prison or something, and I know you, Jace, and I know that there’s hardly anything good going on in that pretty little head of yours, and I’m sick and tired of sitting back and watching people I love get hurt when there’s something I can do to fix it.”

The last bit came out in a rush, and Clary was panting by the end of it, but there was no way that she could stop them even if she tried. Like rushing water beating down a dam. Jace slowly detached himself from her side, and he refused to meet her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, but his voice was too quiet, too dull to be genuine.

"Jace, _please_ ," Clary pleaded, grasping onto Jace with both hands as if afraid that he would fly away. "I know that you're hurting and that there's something you're not telling me, and I'm so _tired_ of people I care about suffering and keeping things from me. If you tell me, maybe I can fix it, but there's nothing I can do if I don't know about it."

There was a long pause where Clary wished to the Angel that she could see Jace's face before he finally said, "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I just want you to tell me what's wrong," Clary whispered. "I just need to know how to help."

"I don't know where to start," Jace replied and Clary pretended not to notice the way his voice shook.

"Start with right now," she said. "Why did you wake up like that? What were you dreaming of?"

Even in the dark, Clary could see how wet his eyes were and his jaw shaking as he tried to hold back tears. “Alec screaming,” he whispered. “As I broke his wrist.”

Clary didn’t know what to say to that, so she decided to say nothing at all. She let go of him and gently ran her knuckles down his face, ignoring the way he was trembling. The silence was bordering on uncomfortable and she was just about to broach another topic but he continued on his own. “I just… I can still feel it sometimes, you know? When he thinks about it, it’s like a dull pain in my wrist, almost like he’s trying to block me from feeling anything at all, but I always do. I remember it all, Clary. He made me… I almost killed him, Clary. I almost killed Alec.”

“But you didn’t,” Clary reminded him, searching for his eyes but he avoided her gaze. “You stopped yourself in time.”

“No, Clary, Magnus stopped me,” Jace said, and Clary recognised the tone in his words- regret. Loathing. Pain. “And in doing so, he sacrificed his magic and I nearly ruined what he had with Alec. I’m not sure saving me was worth all that. And he was almost too late.”

Sighing, Clary leant forward until his forehead touched hers, and she could feel his sweat-soaked hair sticking to his skin and the way his whole body shook right down to the bone, but she didn’t comment on it. “But he wasn’t too late. He came just when he needed to. And nothing is wrong with their relationship, not since Magnus got his magic back, and even then, there were some rocky moments, but they’re fine. Besides, I don’t know about you, but I think Alec would prefer his brother and parabatai alive and not possessed by the demon queen than any relationship he might have.”

“Maybe,” Jace said but he didn’t sound convinced. “But then after all that, I was too late to save you, so it was all for nothing.”

Clary could feel Jace’s breath ghosting over her face. “But here I am, in bed with you, alive and trying really damn hard not to kiss you right now. You may not have reached me in time, but I’m not dead, and everything is fine.”

His laugh was almost enough for her to forget the pain he was feeling. “You know,” he whispered. “Part of me wants to turn that lamp on so I can see you, but the other part of me doesn’t want you to see me.”

Smiling, Clary leant closer to place a chaste kiss on his lips. “Turn it on,” she whispered. “Besides, if it really bothers you, I’ll keep my eyes closed.”

Nothing happened for a too-long while, but then Clary felt Jace’s strong arms wrap around her in an almost constricting hug, and then the room was flooded with dull light. Clary kept her eyes closed just as promised, and the sudden light burst across her eyelids. Jace’s hand reached up and with gentle fingers pushed her messy hair out of her face. He muttered something too soft for her to hear before he said, “You can open your eyes, Clary.”

Never before did Clary feel trepidation in looking up into Jace’s face, but she took her time opening her eyes just in case. She knew what to expect, but it was still jarring to see without the illusion of day and the glamour he put on of being fine. But lit by the shitty lamp that now brightened the room, his hair lighting up like a halo, Clary could see how tired he really was, with the dark half-moons under his eyes and his gaunt features and the strained smile he wore just for her and the heaviness of his eyelids and the pale pallor of his skin. His eyes, though as beautiful and golden as the day they met, looked haunted and empty, though even with a fake smile his eyes still crinkled with love when he looked at her. That would never change.

Clary was so occupied with staring at him, with memorising every single part of this familiar face so different and new but still so wonderful that it was Jace who broke their silence, raining a hand and running a finger down her face to push a strand of hair behind her ear. “You’re so beautiful,” he said. “It makes me glad that I turned the light on.”

“You’ll always be beautiful,” Clary said. “But you look tired. More tired than I’ve ever seen you. Are you sure that you’ve got nothing that you’d want to talk about?”

Instead of answering straight away, Jace focused on moving sleep-mused strands of red hair off of her face and back to where it belonged, pushing it behind her ears, combing it over her scalp and behind her head to flare against the pillow. “I’ve already told you that I don’t like to think about what she made me do. That hasn’t changed.”

She reached under the covers to search out his hand and grip it tightly between her fingers, the calloused and leathery skin comforting in its constant familiarity. “I already know what she made you do. I was part of the investigation into the Owl, remember? But I don’t care about that. I want to know what she made you do…” she slowly reached up with her free hand to tap her fingers lightly on the side of his temple. “In here.”

He met her eyes then, and Clary couldn’t help but think that the gold in his eyes looked duller than usual. “You know, I think that I want to talk about that even less. Can’t we just sit here and enjoy each others company and my devilish good looks without having to talk about Lillith and her mind-control?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep unless I hear about what happened,” Clary said and was annoyed with how weak and quiet her voice sounded. “And honestly, Jace? I think you’ll sleep better if you get it off your chest.”

For a few moments, her words went ignored as Jace focused on her face and the feeling of her freckled skin under his hands and the silky smooth texture of her hair as it glided over his fingers, and Clary was content to watch him like this for ages, peaceful and calm and quiet, and the gentleness of his fingers against her face after so long of being apart and she was ready to never get answers to the questions she so desperately wanted an answer to, but then Jace spoke without stopping the gentle brush of his fingers against his skin. “It made me watch,” he said, and Clary was glad that so far there wasn’t too much emotion. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to deal with Jace’s anger or his tears. She wasn’t strong enough for that. She may never be strong enough for that. “It was like… looking through my eyes as if looking through a faraway window. I couldn’t stop anything from happening. All I could do was sit there and scream. When the Owl broke Alec’s wrist and drove that arrow through his heart… all I could do was sit there. And _watch_.”

He sounded so bitter that Clary could actually feel her blood begin to curdle. “Is that what you dream of? Hurting Alec? Because you know that he forgives you for all of that, right?”

Jace heaved a deep breath as he ran his fingers down the side of Clary’s face and she leant into his touch. She had missed him so much. No amount of make-out sessions at the back of the Institute or holding hands in public or sharing a bed together could make up for the time they spent apart. “It’s more complicated than that. I don’t know what she did. I think she got frustrated with me trying to fight back and did something to keep me _docile._ Made it easier to control me and carry through with her plan. But… I don’t like talking about it. Alec and Isabelle saw it already when they came in to try and save me.” he paused, and Clary wasn’t sure if he was going to continue talking about it, but then he took a deep, stabilizing breath. 

When it became obvious that the next thing that he wanted to say was difficult, Clary took the hand that wasn’t currently clutching Jace’s under the covers and cupped it around his face to mirror his hand on her own. “Jace? You know you can tell me anything, right? I won’t ever get mad or judge you for it, especially when it comes to things like this.”

“I know,” Jace said quietly, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look at her, and Clary missed his golden eyes already, so bright and so beautiful and so Jace. “But it’s hard. Not just because I don’t want to think about it, but because every time I look at you, it reminds me of what I did… what she made me do…” he leant forward until their foreheads touched, warm skin against cold skin, and he was so close that Clary could feel his warm breath ghosting over her face. “I hurt you, Clary.” his voice was broken when he spoke and Clary felt her heart seize in her chest. “Every day, I woke up, and I would have to hurt you. I-I don’t know why, but there was always a knife, and I would always have to stop you from doing _something_. Nothing made sense, but she… Lillith made me think that you were going to hurt me, to stop me, to do something that made me want to fight back, and I only realized what was happening when it was all said and done. And I… I’m so scared of that happening again.”

“Oh,” Clary said softly. She hadn’t been expecting that. “I see.”

“No, Clary, you don’t see,” Jace said, and the grip on her hand bordered on painful. “I killed you, so many goddamn times, and I didn’t even hesitate to do it. What if that happens again, but next time, it’s not an illusion or a fake, and it’s really you? What if-”

She saw where this was going probably before Jace did, and she took her hand off of his face to place a finger over his lips and silence his next words. “If you’re trying to tell me that you’re too dangerous for me to be around and that I should get out while I can, then you’re more of an idiot that Alec and Isabelle say that you are,” Clary said slowly and Jace let out a sharp, stuttering breath. “I’m not scared of you, Jace Herondale. I feel safer in your arms than I do anywhere else in the world. We will face anything this world throws at us, and we’re going to do it together, alright? You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

The look Jace sent her was one that she had seen many times before, but it was marred by something she couldn’t identify, something dark and deep and broken. “You should be running,” he said, before he leant forward and clashed his lips against hers with such force that Clary was a little shocked, but it was full of the intensity she had missed, and she kissed him back with just as much force and love, maybe even more. Jace was tired, and Clary was worried, and that made for a desperate moment of painting that was new to both of them. Eventually, Clary was the one who reluctantly pulled away, gasping, as they both struggled to regain their breath.

Clary moved a hand to the back of Jace’s head and tangled her fingers in his hair. “Never,” she laughed, airy and light, as he smiled so large that it made the corners of his eyes crinkle up, and for a moment, he didn’t look quite so tired. 

They laid there in silence for a moment, holding each other as tightly as they could as if afraid that they would disappear to never return, and Clary realized that she had missed it, missed their closeness and their tenderness and the love that they shared, and she found herself falling deeper and deeper into Jace’s touch as he ran his hand up and down her back. Her eyes fluttered closed. She just felt so safe in the circle of her arms, the thought that nothing could ever hurt her with Jace there to protect her, and had never realized how nice it felt. How much she had missed him and how much she hated Lillith and Jonathan for taking him away from her, and her away from him.

She decided right then and there that she was never going to let anything take him away from her again.

“Hey,” she said, stirring Jace just enough for him to hum into her chest in acknowledgement. “How about you get some sleep, yeah? Some real sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” he said, but it sounded weak.

“Yes you are,” Clary replied. “So how about you stop trying to push me away and let me take care of you for once, huh? Let me be the super-powerful protector tonight and in the morning I’ll let you go back to being the tough-guy-knight-in-shinning-armour, huh?”

There was a pause. “Clary…”

“Please Jace?” Clary interrupted, hating the desperation in her voice. “Just for tonight. And then we’ll never talk about this again. Please? For me?”

There was a tense moment where Clary was worried that he was going to push her away, and refuse, to tell her that he could look after himself and that she didn’t need to worry though obviously untrue, but just when she was on the verge of giving up hope, Jace sighed, and lost all the fight in his body until his bones and muscles turned to jelly and deflated into her, almost until they became one. “Fine,” he relented. “Just for tonight. But if something happens…”

“I’ll wake you up straight away instead of taking care of it myself,” Clary reassured immediately. “Now shut up. You can’t fall asleep if you’re talking.”

Clary waited in tense anticipation for Jace’s breathing to slow and his body to slump and relax, and when she pulled away just far enough to make sure Jace wasn’t pretending again, his eyes were shut tight and his mouth was hanging open, just a little bit. Clary was just so glad that Jace was finally sleeping that it took a few moments too long for her to realize that the only reason that he was asleep was because he felt safe enough, safe in her arms, safe in her presence, that he trusted her enough to look after the both of them. And that, she decided, was the best outcome she could have hoped for.

With her heart filled with love and her soul glowing with happiness, Clary placed a kiss to Jace’s hair, held him tighter to her chest, and closed her eyes in preparation to fall asleep herself, a small smiling permanently etched on her face.

Neither of them moved from that position, intertwined and so close that they were almost one, until Alec came to wake them up the next morning and reprimand them for missing training. Neither of them had any regrets about that, and both of them relished the expression on Alec’s face.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this fic probably isn't as good as it could be but I've been working on it for a while and frankly, I'm sick of looking at it, so I just need to get rid of it


End file.
